I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
