at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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