He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
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