My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
