And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
