My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
BRING THE BAGELS
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize