Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Randomize
