I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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