A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
