Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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