At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
