Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My breasts were aching with rage.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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