It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
