Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
