A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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