I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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