My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
