I'm going to jail i love you
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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