If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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