Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
