Umm I'm too high to move.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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