i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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