I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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