Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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