just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
