Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
