Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
The maid of honor just puked.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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