What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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