Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
