I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
