Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
