You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
