they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
