Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
