I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
