When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
