Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
