i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
