A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
please don't ironically join a cult
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