im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
