so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
