i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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