Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
