I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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