Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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