I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
