I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
