Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
