y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
