Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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