Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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