I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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