i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
