Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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