i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I think I died a long time ago.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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