I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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