Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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