Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
