update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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