i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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